The rain hits the water's surface,
Creating worlds of reflecting ripples
That are cut off,
Without able to spread its wings.
Is this what my life is meant to be?
Inspired by: Silent Dying, Laura Makabresku
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Silent Dying
I can always sit and watch the way
The rain hits the water's surface,
Creating worlds of reflecting ripples
That are cut off,
Without able to spread its wings.
Is this what my life is meant to be?
The rain hits the water's surface,
Creating worlds of reflecting ripples
That are cut off,
Without able to spread its wings.
Is this what my life is meant to be?
Exist
When I pressed my hands against the panes drenched with sunlight, I felt cold clasp my hand in a familiar embrace.
And I thought:
I have very faint memories of before. The only existence I know now is the one I was given.
An echo of what used to be.
Now, it's hard to exist when the world is giving me a manual of perfection.
But,
I dare to live, to be vibrant, to shine with all my heart and with all my might.
And when I die, as I inevitably will, I shall shatter into diamonds.
And people will see that it was what I was made of.
"We were both alone, both existing as the absence of something else."
- Tahereh Mafi, Shatter Me
And I thought:
I have very faint memories of before. The only existence I know now is the one I was given.
An echo of what used to be.
Now, it's hard to exist when the world is giving me a manual of perfection.
But,
I dare to live, to be vibrant, to shine with all my heart and with all my might.
And when I die, as I inevitably will, I shall shatter into diamonds.
And people will see that it was what I was made of.
"We were both alone, both existing as the absence of something else."
- Tahereh Mafi, Shatter Me
Tell me something.
I don't need a better thing
I'd settle for less
It's another thing for me
I just have to wander through this world
Alone.
I asked a friend to just talk.
Tell me something, I said.
Tell me anything, please. Can you do this for me? I asked
Of course, he said.
I didn't tell him what was truly going through my mind:
PLEASE. CONNECT WITH ME.
I need some sort of sign that I am not alone, that I deserve to breathe, to laugh, to cry.
I need someone to hug me and just exist along my side.
Grey
I try convince myself that I'm a miserable person, that I like necrotic thoughts. Edgar Allen Poe is my best friend, ravens are my familiars, and my glass is always half-empty. I choose black over white, and when Naomi or Young asks me what's wrong, I don't tell them and I keep it inside myself to let it simmer in my cauldron of deepness.
But I'm just deluding myself because I know I'm a life-kind of person. Death-kind of people only need to focus on the end, which makes me jealous because I have to focus on the past and the present and the now. They have it so easy.
I don't get why the present is so important anyway. I always hear "Live in the now!" or "Seize the day!" Rarely do people actually do that. Some dream in the future, and others are re-living the past. They're all searching for something either way.
Besides, after 2 seconds of time ... one ... two ... the present is the past, and the future is now. Do we seize the past now? Or seize the future? And then ... one ... two ...
So, when people ask me, "Black or white?" I say, GREY.
Because I like to believe that I've got my feet in both of them. That I like the dark and the light. That I like Edgar Allen Poe and Walt Whitman. That I am me, and that is enough for now.
Contradiction
"You shouldn't be doing this right now."
"You know you'll regret it later. Stop doing useless things and make better use of your time!"
"You know better than this. What is wrong with you?"
Voices of my conscience prick my brain apart.
I just have no motivation.
No desire.
I can claim nothing as my own, I can not let go of anything for nothing is mine.
I just blame everything and everyone and now, I have become indifferent to any emotion.
My greatest fear in life? Failure.
Yet... what am I doing? I can see myself in the foreseeable future wallowing away in the misery that I myself made.
Contradiction
"You know you'll regret it later. Stop doing useless things and make better use of your time!"
"You know better than this. What is wrong with you?"
Voices of my conscience prick my brain apart.
I just have no motivation.
No desire.
I can claim nothing as my own, I can not let go of anything for nothing is mine.
I just blame everything and everyone and now, I have become indifferent to any emotion.
My greatest fear in life? Failure.
Yet... what am I doing? I can see myself in the foreseeable future wallowing away in the misery that I myself made.
Contradiction
2013
People tell me that a new year means a new chance at everything. It's a chance to clear out everything in your head, a chance to review past mistakes and to learn from them, a way to form clear consciences.
But, there is a deep foreboding. A new start means a new way to make a mistake.
Forget the past? Never. The consequence? Wariness. Fear.
And when I remember all the hurt I've been in, I wonder yet again if this year will do the same.
The fear that I will be swallowed by another ocean of disappointment and shame in myself is crushing me. I can barely breathe.
Fake hopes, spiteful defeats... they are like sparks will no doubt fade away into nothingness.
I just want to forget everything and never look back.
Is that not the true meaning of a new start? To try yet again, to build, to try to change?
I want to leave my soul and bleach the black into white.
Oh, 2013... Am I the only one with such a depressing view of the new year?
But, there is a deep foreboding. A new start means a new way to make a mistake.
Forget the past? Never. The consequence? Wariness. Fear.
And when I remember all the hurt I've been in, I wonder yet again if this year will do the same.
The fear that I will be swallowed by another ocean of disappointment and shame in myself is crushing me. I can barely breathe.
Fake hopes, spiteful defeats... they are like sparks will no doubt fade away into nothingness.
I just want to forget everything and never look back.
Is that not the true meaning of a new start? To try yet again, to build, to try to change?
I want to leave my soul and bleach the black into white.
Oh, 2013... Am I the only one with such a depressing view of the new year?
Experiences
Heard what I heard. Can't forget it. Saw what I saw. Can't go back. Know what I know. Can't deny.
Done what I did. Can't erase it. Am what I am. More than enough. Got what I've got. Nothing compares.
Said what I said with no looking back, have what I have and giving it up, did what I did with no guarantees.
Something on my road cut my soul and changed my world.
Done what I did. Can't erase it. Am what I am. More than enough. Got what I've got. Nothing compares.
Said what I said with no looking back, have what I have and giving it up, did what I did with no guarantees.
Something on my road cut my soul and changed my world.
Christmas
This Christmas, I've never felt so lonely in my life.
So I painted a smile and pretended to be happy
Because no one wants to know if you're truly
fine or not.
So I painted a smile and pretended to be happy
Because no one wants to know if you're truly
fine or not.
23 - Compare and Contrast
"It is better to remain silent at the risk of being thought a fool, than to talk and remove all doubt of it."
- Maurice Switzer
"To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment."
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
But I think it is better to live than to just exist... it's just so hard on the heart and heavy on the eyes
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- Maurice Switzer
"To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment."
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
But I think it is better to live than to just exist... it's just so hard on the heart and heavy on the eyes
{Photo: PMMPhoto Flickr}
21 - I wish
I wish I could understand myself.
I wish there were no expectations.
Maybe then I could truly be free.
No holding back.
“Expose yourself to your deepest fear;
after that, fear has no power,
and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes.
You are free.”
Jim Morrison
I wish there were no expectations.
Maybe then I could truly be free.
No holding back.
“Expose yourself to your deepest fear;
after that, fear has no power,
and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes.
You are free.”
Jim Morrison
18 - Falling Apart
My father is a peculiar person. Not too friendly, and not too shy, he is the epitome of the working man. His rugged beard and East Asian culture never stopped him rebuking a stranger to defend his integrity. His accented English would always ring through my head as it was he who told me to dream big and to dream loud, for if something is impossible, it is all the more fun to achieve it.
Our relationship can only be described as the father-daughter love so keenly dissected apart on TV shows. He was my hero, flaws and all. I was his little girl no matter how old I was. I am -- no, I was -- cherished, respected, and above all, loved. And like all relationships, ours fell apart.
It was subtle and came with a bang. His words and actions that was spoken to me meant nothing because of his one action at that one time. It shattered everything I held dear.
Now, conversations are used with only the necessary words, and eye contact is non-existence. I haven't seen Father in 2 months.
He's coming for Christmas, and I'm really starting to hate the apprehension and fragility.
Our relationship can only be described as the father-daughter love so keenly dissected apart on TV shows. He was my hero, flaws and all. I was his little girl no matter how old I was. I am -- no, I was -- cherished, respected, and above all, loved. And like all relationships, ours fell apart.
It was subtle and came with a bang. His words and actions that was spoken to me meant nothing because of his one action at that one time. It shattered everything I held dear.
Now, conversations are used with only the necessary words, and eye contact is non-existence. I haven't seen Father in 2 months.
He's coming for Christmas, and I'm really starting to hate the apprehension and fragility.
Cemetery Sunday
I was walking through the graveyard today, seeing the stones that marked the places of those who have been loved, those who have been forgotten, and those who have finally been laid to rest after a long life.
I can't really describe the feeling I was getting while passing through. I wasn't sad, but I wasn't happy. I wasn't depressed or confused...
I was content.
Then I started remembering all those who have left my life, physically and spiritually. All those memories filled with love and laughter, the sorrow and tears --- I'm just so thankful that I was able to be with them for whatever short time we had together.
So as I walked down memory line, I had one thought and one thought only:
I hope they still think of me as much as I think of them.
You have been a stronger wind
The guiding of my right
The ever present confidant
A light in these dark eyes
I want you like no one else ever could
I want you like no one else ever could, do you?
Leave Behind a Legacy
Sometimes I get this irrational fear that when I die, I will think that I was not enough, that I didn't do enough, that I didn't say enough. I fear that I will not be remembered as someone who changed things, someone who took chances, someone who lived life to the fullest, someone who loved.
On the outside, I hide these fears. I show an indifference to all things; I pretend that I'm a rock, but that is so far from the truth. I want to be more than I am, give more than I can give, love more than I should, and say nothing more than what is necessary. I want to laugh in a funeral, witness a solar eclipse, have an amazing one night stand, and fall asleep in grassy pastures. I want to be with people and interact with them and be part of their lives. In fact, I want to be life. Then I'll be prepared and ready to not feel the fear of being forgettable. That way I'll leave behind a legacy.
On the outside, I hide these fears. I show an indifference to all things; I pretend that I'm a rock, but that is so far from the truth. I want to be more than I am, give more than I can give, love more than I should, and say nothing more than what is necessary. I want to laugh in a funeral, witness a solar eclipse, have an amazing one night stand, and fall asleep in grassy pastures. I want to be with people and interact with them and be part of their lives. In fact, I want to be life. Then I'll be prepared and ready to not feel the fear of being forgettable. That way I'll leave behind a legacy.
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