It was PM for him and AM for me; we were Skyping, Lara and I, and he was being such a pussy.
I hate feeling vulnerable around you, around anyone, and I hate that I treat you the way I do. You know me so far deeply than anyone I've ever let in, and yet intimacy scares the crap out of me. I don't treat you right. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I had whispered comforts and murmured "It's okay," but it's been 3 weeks and I cannot stop thinking about what he said.
I had always assumed he didn't care. We don't talk regularly, not really, skipping around the texting and the Skyping, never physically present. But I always checked and I always reached out. I'm always the one reaching out.
Walked him through his first long-term girlfriend, his rebounds, and now his present girlfriend. Walked with him through family issues and sister troubles. I was there but he wasn't, not like I was, and I was growing okay with that. I always end up being okay with that.
I was standing in front of S. I said something. I don't remember.
S called me dead and emotionless. You're an emotionless cadaver with daddy issues, she spat. He hits, and you can't even talk about it.
Her words maimed, killed, tore and scratched. She clawed at my insecurities, my weight, my body, my financial troubles. My best friend ripped my carefully placed shrouds in front of everyone.
Do you feel better? I asked What? Do you feel better? I've never felt better. I'm glad something good came from this. I kept your secrets. I kept my promises. I kept my word. But you... You didn't keep my secrets. You didn't keep your promises. You didn't keep your word. Remember. I woke up sweating and hyperventilating. It was a dream.
Ellen told me that we have clashes in opinions over certain topics and controversial issues.
"I'm not being pissy, I'm just stating fact," she over explained. Her inner voice said, "Maybe we should work on that so you can officially be in my group."
"Isn't it natural?" I asked. "But you know, I don't fight, argue, discuss, and defend issues with you that I don't give two cents about. I don't need to prove anything to you, much less argue about something pointless, because frankly, I don't care. If it isn't in my star system, then I obviously don't think about it. And the really cool thing is, is that I don't care about your opinion. And if push comes to shove, I won't care about you."
I wonder what her face would have looked like if I actually said this.
I asked a friend to just talk. Tell me something, I said. Tell me anything, please. Can you do this for me? I asked
Of course, he said.
I didn't tell him what was truly going through my mind: PLEASE. CONNECT WITH ME. I need some sort of sign that I am not alone, that I deserve to breathe, to laugh, to cry. I need someone to hug me and just exist along my side.
I have very mixed feelings about relationships. I can't keep any, but I constantly search for a someone that relates to me. I can't open myself up the way people want me to. I can't be one hundred percent honest about my feelings unless I really hate the person and want to cut that person down to itty bitty pieces.
People say I'm too honest. Brutally honest. Apparently, my honesty kills. I can't help it. I say how it is. I want to be vibrant and attractive and yet I want to be mysterious and sultry. I have mixed personalities. I have numerous personalities. I want to relate, but I only want stuff I really want to connect to relate. When I find a person to share anything with, I analyze everything. I jump to conclusions. I assume. I break. I tear.
Please understand. Relationships that are beautiful and full of life are so beautiful to behold that you're scared to touch them. I haven't learned how to do it properly.
People always ask me, "Why the heck do you hide so much? You're so easy to be honest and real to; you know my every secret and flaw! Why can't you show me your real self?"
Because I'm not stupid. Everyone knows things end. Besides, I've got nomadic syndrome. I get antsy after staying in one place for more than 3 or 4 years. The longest place I've ever stayed was in Hawaii for 6 years, and that's only because I had to. The span of time I allow for myself doesn't call for a deep and long-lasting affiliations.
I want to be so many things; I want to do so many things. I want to live and die and breathe and exhale. I want to see souls and hold hearts, I want to be spiritual and deeply rooted. And all without the ties and strings.
Is that too much to ask?
I hate the way you choose someone you barely know over me who knows you to your core.
I hate the way you close me off as soon as you reveal a little bit of yourself.
I hate the way you always pick the right girls who are actually worth it.
I hate the way you dismiss me like I'm your personal booty call, and I hate the fact that I still come to you time after time you call.
I hate that I'm always there for you.
I hate that I cry for you, that I share your pain.
I hate the way I laugh at your words as if they meant the world.
I hate the way I cling onto fantasies of you and me.
I hate the way I want to look good in front of you.
Is that what it means to stand by and be your best friend?
Because it hurts, and I don't think this is the way things should be.
But still I love you all the same.
I love the way you smile at me.
I love the way you're only honest with me.
I love the way how you show that you care.
I love the way you're the light to my dark.
I love the way you free me from my chains, how you
I love the way you know when I'm lonely.
I love the way you notice.
I love the way you see me for me.
I love you.I want to be more in your eyes. I wish you could see that.
I talked with Naomi about our issues with the world, the problems that seem to hinder our way of life. We expressed how difficult it was for people to just sit there and listen, that just lending their time for a while was as helpful as they could get. But she also thought that it was so difficult to release her troubles to someone else. What if they become disappointed in me? What if they see me in a negative light?
The greatest comfort anyone has given to me in my time of struggle was when he said, "Me, too."
Even if it was said out of sympathy, and even if it was only for just a moment, I didn't feel alone anymore.
I don't know if it was because I was so desperate for some company (internal laugh), or if I needed a sense of unity, but hearing those words made me feel a connection to pull me through. It was enough.
I wish to be the person who gives strength and light for that one moment in the future.
I was walking through the graveyard today, seeing the stones that marked the places of those who have been loved, those who have been forgotten, and those who have finally been laid to rest after a long life.
I can't really describe the feeling I was getting while passing through. I wasn't sad, but I wasn't happy. I wasn't depressed or confused...
I was content.
Then I started remembering all those who have left my life, physically and spiritually. All those memories filled with love and laughter, the sorrow and tears --- I'm just so thankful that I was able to be with them for whatever short time we had together.
So as I walked down memory line, I had one thought and one thought only: I hope they still think of me as much as I think of them.
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