lara?

It was PM for him and AM for me; we were Skyping, Lara and I, and he was being such a pussy.

I hate feeling vulnerable around you, around anyone, and I hate that I treat you the way I do. You know me so far deeply than anyone I've ever let in, and yet intimacy scares the crap out of me. I don't treat you right. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I had whispered comforts and murmured "It's okay," but it's been 3 weeks and I cannot stop thinking about what he said. 

I had always assumed he didn't care. We don't talk regularly, not really, skipping around the texting and the Skyping, never physically present. But I always checked and I always reached out. I'm always the one reaching out. 

Walked him through his first long-term girlfriend, his rebounds, and now his present girlfriend. Walked with him through family issues and sister troubles. I was there but he wasn't, not like I was, and I was growing okay with that. I always end up being okay with that.

But this. 

This is not okay.

Why is this not okay?

woody allen trips me up sometimes

Sometimes I walk around with a little fantasy in my head
Of the people I'll meet, the people I've said
Sometimes I'll get these deep urges to journal and to write
and I'll print pictures and pictures and pictures of the things I love
and the things
that mystify.

Midnight in Paris, 2011

But these urges are becoming few and far between
and I wonder if that means my last few relationships with creativity
is leaving me.

And I fear and I fear and I fear

And I fear and I fear

and I fear.

You promised

She shouldn't have, but she did.
She... wasn't supposed to.
But she did.

She lied.
She lies.
She will lie.

She promised she wouldn't.
She promised.

You promised.

Contradiction

"You shouldn't be doing this right now."

"You know you'll regret it later. Stop doing useless things and make better use of your time!"

"You know better than this. What is wrong with you?"

Voices of my conscience prick my brain apart.
I just have no motivation.
No desire.
I can claim nothing as my own, I can not let go of anything for nothing is mine.
I just blame everything and everyone and now, I have become indifferent to any emotion.

My greatest fear in life? Failure.

Yet... what am I doing? I can see myself in the foreseeable future wallowing away in the misery that I myself made.

Contradiction

Regret

There is still life to be lived

Losing Hope

I was expressing my opinions of my previous post to a treasured friend.

"You're anxious for things that haven't happened. That's like saying 'I'm going to die someday so I might as well not live.' You'd be missing out on the good. 
Think about all the good things that will happen because of what you consider bad."

"I can't really think of any."

He laughed and showed me a thought his friend had written:

"2013 isn't a blank slate, but a new chapter. A new chapter means that there's still hope, that there is still life to be lived. So live it well. Become who you were made to be, and don't lose sight of the ending. Which, as it turns out, it is only the beginning."

"I can't find the hope," I said. "I haven't had a relationship or even a real conversation between me and Him."

"Yeah, I felt that way, too. So I just said, 'Hey.' And it started again. I think I was genuine with Him for the first time in a long time."

"I've never been so unhappy or so scared in my life. I want so much to just rest and be in peace."

"Cling. Desperately. With your nails. He didn't go anywhere. And your past relationship doesn't matter. What's important is that you can start a new one now."

I am revived.

Finding Hope

2013

People tell me that a new year means a new chance at everything. It's a chance to clear out everything in your head, a chance to review past mistakes and to learn from them, a way to form clear consciences.

But, there is a deep foreboding. A new start means a new way to make a mistake.
Forget the past? Never. The consequence? Wariness. Fear.
And when I remember all the hurt I've been in, I wonder yet again if this year will do the same.
The fear that I will be swallowed by another ocean of disappointment and shame in myself is crushing me. I can barely breathe.
Fake hopes, spiteful defeats... they are like sparks will no doubt fade away into nothingness.

I just want to forget everything and never look back.
Is that not the true meaning of a new start? To try yet again, to build, to try to change?
I want to leave my soul and bleach the black into white.

Oh, 2013... Am I the only one with such a depressing view of the new year?

Sparks

18 - Falling Apart

My father is a peculiar person. Not too friendly, and not too shy, he is the epitome of the working man. His rugged beard and East Asian culture never stopped him rebuking a stranger to defend his integrity. His accented English would always ring through my head as it was he who  told me to dream big and to dream loud, for if something is impossible, it is all the more fun to achieve it.

Our relationship can only be described as the father-daughter love so keenly dissected apart on TV shows. He was my hero, flaws and all.  I was his little girl no matter how old I was. I am -- no, I was -- cherished, respected, and above all, loved. And like all relationships, ours fell apart.

It was subtle and came with a bang. His words and actions that was spoken to me meant nothing because of his one action at that one time. It shattered everything I held dear.

Now, conversations are used with only the necessary words, and eye contact is non-existence. I haven't seen Father in 2 months.

He's coming for Christmas, and I'm really starting to hate the apprehension and fragility.

Fear

Leave Behind a Legacy

Sometimes I get this irrational fear that when I die, I will think that I was not enough, that I didn't do enough, that I didn't say enough. I fear that I will not be remembered as someone who changed things, someone who took chances, someone who lived life to the fullest, someone who loved.

On the outside, I hide these fears. I show an indifference to all things; I pretend that I'm a rock, but that is so far from the truth. I want to be more than I am, give more than I can give, love more than I should, and say nothing more than what is necessary. I want to laugh in a funeral, witness a solar eclipse, have an amazing one night stand, and fall asleep in grassy pastures. I want to be with people and interact with them and be part of their lives. In fact, I want to be life. Then I'll be prepared and ready to not feel the fear of being forgettable. That way I'll leave behind a legacy.

Leaving a Legacy