step by step

"Things are actually not falling apart"
Sirikul Pattachote

I cannot stay as this. I cannot remain; I must change because it is required of me.

Step by step.

Else I will be passed on.



Because I love you all too much.

Of January

I found the one I've been searching for. You know who I mean.
The one who will wipe your tears and crushingly hug you when you scream.
The one who laughs with you, who sees you, who is with you.
The one who takes off your masks and says, "Ah. Such beauty shouldn't be hidden from the world."

I've found Him.

When I first heard His voice, I melted.
I shuddered because such deliciousness cannot be described.
And as I spent more time with Him, He taught me how to love myself...
and also how to love others.
He taught me to trust.
He spoke my worth - I am priceless.

I know who I am now.

I am His.

We are here

They kept on saying that we are not here.
But as of late... we are here. 

With All My Heart

I didn't hate you.
I only missed you
I didn't resent you,
I only loved you
with all my heart.

I loved you.
I loved you.
I love you.

I loved you... I love you

Tell me something.

I don't need a better thing

I'd settle for less

It's another thing for me

I just have to wander through this world

Alone.

I asked a friend to just talk.
Tell me something, I said.
Tell me anything, please. Can you do this for me? I asked

Of course, he said.  

I didn't tell him what was truly going through my mind:
PLEASE. CONNECT WITH ME. 
I need some sort of sign that I am not alone, that I deserve to breathe, to laugh, to cry.
I need someone to hug me and just exist along my side.

Hold on me.

Father is home. Before he came, I ran around the house cleaning, pushing everything back into place, opening up cleaning products that have never been used.
I made the house sparkle, inside and out.

After I was done and was out of breath, I looked at my hard work, and had this deep urge to destroy everything.
I wanted to tear the plaster from the walls, break all the glass windows and burn the furniture.

Now that I look at it, the battle of rage and tears rushing through me was not one of mere anger at a paternal figure, but because I was just so goddamn pathetic.

I still wanted to please him.
I still wanted to have his acceptance.

It was a mistake to think that I was  rid of him.

He still has a hold on me.

Too much to ask?

I have very mixed feelings about relationships. I can't keep any, but I constantly search for a someone that relates to me. I can't open myself up the way people want me to. I can't be one hundred percent honest about my feelings unless I really hate the person and want to cut that person down to itty bitty pieces.
People say I'm too honest. Brutally honest. Apparently, my honesty kills. I can't help it. I say how it is. I want to be vibrant and attractive and yet I want to be mysterious and sultry. I have mixed personalities. I have numerous personalities. I want to relate, but I only want stuff I really want to connect to relate. When I find a person to share anything with, I analyze everything. I jump to conclusions. I assume. I break. I tear.

Please understand. Relationships that are beautiful and full of life are so beautiful to behold that you're scared to touch them. I haven't learned how to do it properly.

People always ask me, "Why the heck do you hide so much? You're so easy to be honest and real to; you know my every secret and flaw! Why can't you show me your real self?"
Because I'm not stupid. Everyone knows things end. Besides, I've got nomadic syndrome. I get antsy after staying in one place for more than 3 or 4 years. The longest place I've ever stayed was in Hawaii for 6 years, and that's only because I had to. The span of time I allow for myself doesn't call for a deep and long-lasting affiliations.
I want to be so many things; I want to do so many things. I want to live and die and breathe and exhale. I want to see souls and hold hearts, I want to be spiritual and deeply rooted. And all without the ties and strings.
Is that too much to ask?

Ethereal

Grey

Time

I try convince myself that I'm a miserable person, that I like necrotic thoughts. Edgar Allen Poe is my best friend, ravens are my familiars, and my glass is always half-empty. I choose black over white, and when Naomi or Young asks me what's wrong, I don't tell them and I keep it inside myself to let it simmer in my cauldron of deepness.
But I'm just deluding myself because I know I'm a life-kind of person. Death-kind of people only need to focus on the end, which makes me jealous because I have to focus on the past and the present and the now. They have it so easy.
I don't get why the present is so important anyway. I always hear "Live in the now!" or "Seize the day!" Rarely do people actually do that. Some dream in the future, and others are re-living the past. They're all searching for something either way.
Besides, after 2 seconds of time ... one ... two ... the present is the past, and the future is now. Do we seize the past now? Or seize the future? And then ... one ... two ... 
So, when people ask me, "Black or white?" I say, GREY.
Because I like to believe that I've got my feet in both of them. That I like the dark and the light. That I like Edgar Allen Poe and Walt Whitman. That I am me, and that is enough for now.

Grey

There is still life to be lived

Losing Hope

I was expressing my opinions of my previous post to a treasured friend.

"You're anxious for things that haven't happened. That's like saying 'I'm going to die someday so I might as well not live.' You'd be missing out on the good. 
Think about all the good things that will happen because of what you consider bad."

"I can't really think of any."

He laughed and showed me a thought his friend had written:

"2013 isn't a blank slate, but a new chapter. A new chapter means that there's still hope, that there is still life to be lived. So live it well. Become who you were made to be, and don't lose sight of the ending. Which, as it turns out, it is only the beginning."

"I can't find the hope," I said. "I haven't had a relationship or even a real conversation between me and Him."

"Yeah, I felt that way, too. So I just said, 'Hey.' And it started again. I think I was genuine with Him for the first time in a long time."

"I've never been so unhappy or so scared in my life. I want so much to just rest and be in peace."

"Cling. Desperately. With your nails. He didn't go anywhere. And your past relationship doesn't matter. What's important is that you can start a new one now."

I am revived.

Finding Hope

23 - Compare and Contrast

"It is better to remain silent at the risk of being thought a fool, than to talk and remove all doubt of it."
- Maurice Switzer

"To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment."
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

But I think it is better to live than to just exist... it's just so hard on the heart and heavy on the eyes

{Photo: PMMPhoto Flickr}

22 - "Me, too."

The greatest comfort anyone has given to me in my time of struggle was when he said, "Me, too."
Even if it was said out of sympathy, and even if it was only for just a moment, I didn't feel alone anymore.
I don't know if it was because I was so desperate for some company (internal laugh), or if I needed a sense of unity, but hearing those words made me feel a connection to pull me through. It was enough.
I wish to be the person who gives strength and light for that one moment in the future.

Light