It was PM for him and AM for me; we were Skyping, Lara and I, and he was being such a pussy.

I hate feeling vulnerable around you, around anyone, and I hate that I treat you the way I do. You know me so far deeply than anyone I've ever let in, and yet intimacy scares the crap out of me. I don't treat you right. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I had whispered comforts and murmured "It's okay," but it's been 3 weeks and I cannot stop thinking about what he said. 
I had always assumed he didn't care. We don't talk regularly, not really, skipping around the texting and the Skyping, never physically present. But I always checked and I always reached out. I'm always the one reaching out. 

Walked him through his first long-term girlfriend, his rebounds, and now his present girlfriend. Walked with him through family issues and sister troubles. I was there but he wasn't, not like I was, and I was growing okay with that. I always end up being okay with that.

But this. 
This is not okay.

Why is this not okay?

all who wait

changing a url is a bit like changing a mobile number - it takes a bit of time because you want the best one that is easily remembered - but a url must not be too tacky.

reason for change

it's not as glamorous as avy's "mymotherfuckedmickjagger," but it'll do.

until next time.


a friend. found my blog. i think.

i have no idea how i feel about this. i feel a bit too vulnerable than i wish to be.

edit: i no longer think. i know. he's found it. i hyperventilate.

woody allen trips me up sometimes

Sometimes I walk around with a little fantasy in my head
Of the people I'll meet, the people I've said
Sometimes I'll get these deep urges to journal and to write
and I'll print pictures and pictures and pictures of the things I love
and the things
that mystify.

Midnight in Paris, 2011
But these urges are becoming few and far between
and I wonder if that means my last few relationships with creativity
is leaving me.

And I fear and I fear and I fear

And I fear and I fear

and I fear.

tapioca pearls

Everyone else clambered around, grabbing spots, gasping at the beauty. Whispering rustles and gentle bumps, too captivated to see where they were going.
Joel Meyerowitz
And soon I was the only one standing, and I was blind. Someone - Matthias? - grabs my hand, "Come down here" and I finally settle. But I'm still blind. I grope blindly for my glasses; why can't I see what everyone else sees?
"Can you see the stars?"
Yes, I lie, but all I can see is the heavy weight of the night and smell of dimmed sun. I can't see the brilliance of the stars.
So I give up,
close my eyes,

with you

It's amazing what a couple of years can do to perspective.

I used to think there was emotional abuse,
but now,
I'm not sure.

Maybe I need a couple more years.

Until then, I will stop saying,
"He abused me"

maybe I abused him, too.

Easter Eve

Depending on where you live, tomorrow is Easter Sunday.

Easter is the day Jesus rose from the dead. The day death was defeated.
The day He won for me... for you.

I hope you are looking forward to worshiping who God is and what He's done for us.

If you aren't... or don't... God is reaching out to you right now.
Talk to Him.
He'll blow you away with everything.
You will find Him.

I will be praying for you.
God bless.

8 Years

8 years.
Cheated some, probably.

But still, 8 years.

For one girl.

8th anniversary: girl brings different boy.
Kisses boy.

"We're over," said girl.

You could hear the cracks.

A piece I won't get back

Sometimes I forget.
I forget that I'm necessary,
             that I'm loved,
             that I matter,
             that I am strong.

These days, I've forgotten these things more often than I'd like.
As if little by little, an eraser has quietly been rubbing away another piece of me.
A piece I won't get back.

I miss more people now.
I miss familiar touches.
I miss the sound of people's voices,
and I miss the physical presence of those
I love.

I don't want to forget, but I do.
What if I forget everything?
What then will I be.

Don't forget me.
Don't forget me.

so it's been a little difficult

so it's been a little difficult
not the best time not the worst
but not the best
not the most pleasant
definitely not easy.