New Year Resolutions

I wanted to laugh when people started gushing about how they will change so much in 2013. Yeah, right. That won't ever happen. 
Because everyone knows that change doesn't just come because you want it. Either you were forced to change or went through something so life-changing that change was inevitable.
The stuff we mention now are superficial ones, shallow and optional.

So... I made wishes this year. I mean:
"There's no point having wishes if you don't at least try them."
- Sally Nicholls

Wishes

It's different than resolutions because wishes have no expectations and resolutions are excuses to start over because of all the regrets in the past year. I learned this from Avy's blog in her post Mirrors and Smoke.

1. I wish I could stop doubting the words people say to me. I want so much to be able to trust and be open.
2. I wish I could have a real relationship.
3. I wish I could find my real self.
4. I wish I could stop lying.
5. I wish I could forget.

Shh... Don't tell anyone...

Forget

There is still life to be lived

Losing Hope

I was expressing my opinions of my previous post to a treasured friend.

"You're anxious for things that haven't happened. That's like saying 'I'm going to die someday so I might as well not live.' You'd be missing out on the good. 
Think about all the good things that will happen because of what you consider bad."

"I can't really think of any."

He laughed and showed me a thought his friend had written:

"2013 isn't a blank slate, but a new chapter. A new chapter means that there's still hope, that there is still life to be lived. So live it well. Become who you were made to be, and don't lose sight of the ending. Which, as it turns out, it is only the beginning."

"I can't find the hope," I said. "I haven't had a relationship or even a real conversation between me and Him."

"Yeah, I felt that way, too. So I just said, 'Hey.' And it started again. I think I was genuine with Him for the first time in a long time."

"I've never been so unhappy or so scared in my life. I want so much to just rest and be in peace."

"Cling. Desperately. With your nails. He didn't go anywhere. And your past relationship doesn't matter. What's important is that you can start a new one now."

I am revived.

Finding Hope

2013

People tell me that a new year means a new chance at everything. It's a chance to clear out everything in your head, a chance to review past mistakes and to learn from them, a way to form clear consciences.

But, there is a deep foreboding. A new start means a new way to make a mistake.
Forget the past? Never. The consequence? Wariness. Fear.
And when I remember all the hurt I've been in, I wonder yet again if this year will do the same.
The fear that I will be swallowed by another ocean of disappointment and shame in myself is crushing me. I can barely breathe.
Fake hopes, spiteful defeats... they are like sparks will no doubt fade away into nothingness.

I just want to forget everything and never look back.
Is that not the true meaning of a new start? To try yet again, to build, to try to change?
I want to leave my soul and bleach the black into white.

Oh, 2013... Am I the only one with such a depressing view of the new year?

Sparks