silver hair

I have silver hair. It stands out against the darkness of my black-brown hair. Soon, my hair will be completely white.

I had hated it since I was 8 years old. A young girl with greying hair?
An anomaly.

A couple of years ago, I stopped using dyes because I realized that through it, my hair was dying. At the cost of hating what was mine, I was killing an actual part of me. Not worth it, a small voice said.

I haven't touched the color of my hair for 2 years now. Today, someone told me that they loved it. They wished it were theirs!

And I smiled and laughed because for once, I wasn't self-consciously touching it, wishing it away.

It is mine, and I love it. 

Enough for you

Sometimes, I wish I wasn't me.
But, I'll continue apologizing for being myself.
Even if I'm enough for me, when will I be enough for you?

Colin Self - Nude, 1970-71 - etching

Of January

I found the one I've been searching for. You know who I mean.
The one who will wipe your tears and crushingly hug you when you scream.
The one who laughs with you, who sees you, who is with you.
The one who takes off your masks and says, "Ah. Such beauty shouldn't be hidden from the world."

I've found Him.

When I first heard His voice, I melted.
I shuddered because such deliciousness cannot be described.
And as I spent more time with Him, He taught me how to love myself...
and also how to love others.
He taught me to trust.
He spoke my worth - I am priceless.

I know who I am now.

I am His.

It's Been A While

It's been a while.

I've been alone.

I was hurt.

I was sad.

Notice the past tense.

I have found true friends.

I have found ways to heal.

I am not scared to be alone.

No longer.

Ready or not... I'm back now.

Rise

Exist

When I pressed my hands against the panes drenched with sunlight, I felt cold clasp my hand in a familiar embrace.
And I thought:

I have very faint memories of before. The only existence I know now is the one I was given.
An echo of what used to be.

Now, it's hard to exist when the world is giving me a manual of perfection.

But,
I dare to live, to be vibrant, to shine with all my heart and with all my might.
And when I die, as I inevitably will, I shall shatter into diamonds.
And people will see that it was what I was made of.


"We were both alone, both existing as the absence of something else."
- Tahereh Mafi, Shatter Me

Hold on me.

Father is home. Before he came, I ran around the house cleaning, pushing everything back into place, opening up cleaning products that have never been used.
I made the house sparkle, inside and out.

After I was done and was out of breath, I looked at my hard work, and had this deep urge to destroy everything.
I wanted to tear the plaster from the walls, break all the glass windows and burn the furniture.

Now that I look at it, the battle of rage and tears rushing through me was not one of mere anger at a paternal figure, but because I was just so goddamn pathetic.

I still wanted to please him.
I still wanted to have his acceptance.

It was a mistake to think that I was  rid of him.

He still has a hold on me.