It's Been A While

It's been a while.

I've been alone.

I was hurt.

I was sad.

Notice the past tense.

I have found true friends.

I have found ways to heal.

I am not scared to be alone.

No longer.

Ready or not... I'm back now.

Rise

If I actually said this

Ellen told me that we have clashes in opinions over certain topics and controversial issues.

"I'm not being pissy, I'm just stating fact," she over explained. Her inner voice said, "Maybe we should work on that so you can officially be in my group."

"Isn't it natural?" I asked. "But you know, I don't fight, argue, discuss, and defend issues with you that I don't give two cents about. I don't need to prove anything to you, much less argue about something pointless, because frankly, I don't care. If it isn't in my star system, then I obviously don't think about it. And the really cool thing is, is that I don't care about your opinion. And if push comes to shove, I won't care about you."

I wonder what her face would have looked like if I actually said this.

If

Tell me something.

I don't need a better thing

I'd settle for less

It's another thing for me

I just have to wander through this world

Alone.

I asked a friend to just talk.
Tell me something, I said.
Tell me anything, please. Can you do this for me? I asked

Of course, he said.  

I didn't tell him what was truly going through my mind:
PLEASE. CONNECT WITH ME. 
I need some sort of sign that I am not alone, that I deserve to breathe, to laugh, to cry.
I need someone to hug me and just exist along my side.

There is still life to be lived

Losing Hope

I was expressing my opinions of my previous post to a treasured friend.

"You're anxious for things that haven't happened. That's like saying 'I'm going to die someday so I might as well not live.' You'd be missing out on the good. 
Think about all the good things that will happen because of what you consider bad."

"I can't really think of any."

He laughed and showed me a thought his friend had written:

"2013 isn't a blank slate, but a new chapter. A new chapter means that there's still hope, that there is still life to be lived. So live it well. Become who you were made to be, and don't lose sight of the ending. Which, as it turns out, it is only the beginning."

"I can't find the hope," I said. "I haven't had a relationship or even a real conversation between me and Him."

"Yeah, I felt that way, too. So I just said, 'Hey.' And it started again. I think I was genuine with Him for the first time in a long time."

"I've never been so unhappy or so scared in my life. I want so much to just rest and be in peace."

"Cling. Desperately. With your nails. He didn't go anywhere. And your past relationship doesn't matter. What's important is that you can start a new one now."

I am revived.

Finding Hope

Warrior Princess

Little girls were watching 'Mulan,' the only Disney Princess who actually isn't a just Princess but a Warrior Princess.
I realized that I want to be Mulan.
Not Ariel, Belle, Cinderella, Snow White...

I want to be Mulan because she can grapple with her insecurities and expectations of her family and life and do the right thing by following her heart. She deals with the consequences of her actions, and never looks back. And she doesn't wait for some cocky boy to save the day; she saves the day.

Disney did something right.

I hope the little girls can see that.

And I hope that I can follow my heart and make the right choice for me.