silver hair

I have silver hair. It stands out against the darkness of my black-brown hair. Soon, my hair will be completely white.

I had hated it since I was 8 years old. A young girl with greying hair?
An anomaly.

A couple of years ago, I stopped using dyes because I realized that through it, my hair was dying. At the cost of hating what was mine, I was killing an actual part of me. Not worth it, a small voice said.

I haven't touched the color of my hair for 2 years now. Today, someone told me that they loved it. They wished it were theirs!

And I smiled and laughed because for once, I wasn't self-consciously touching it, wishing it away.

It is mine, and I love it. 

Of January

I found the one I've been searching for. You know who I mean.
The one who will wipe your tears and crushingly hug you when you scream.
The one who laughs with you, who sees you, who is with you.
The one who takes off your masks and says, "Ah. Such beauty shouldn't be hidden from the world."

I've found Him.

When I first heard His voice, I melted.
I shuddered because such deliciousness cannot be described.
And as I spent more time with Him, He taught me how to love myself...
and also how to love others.
He taught me to trust.
He spoke my worth - I am priceless.

I know who I am now.

I am His.

With All My Heart

I didn't hate you.
I only missed you
I didn't resent you,
I only loved you
with all my heart.

I loved you.
I loved you.
I love you.

I loved you... I love you

"Do you love him?"

Father is coming home this week.
Which prompted me to ask mother, "Do you love him?"

Guess

There was silence on the other end with intervals of silent muttering.
"I think so," she finally answered.

An interval of silence lapsed.
She asked, "Are you asking because of the hardships we have between us?"

I wanted to laugh out loud, not because of the obvious problems they had, but because she had considered the unbelievable pain Father put her through as mere 'hardships.'

"No. The last time I asked, you said 'No.'"
She stared at me with guarded eyes that accused me of stabbing her where it hurt.

"I guess you changed your mind," I stabbed again.
"I guess I did," she said.

Love & Hate

I hate the way you choose someone you barely know over me who knows you to your core.
I hate the way you close me off as soon as you reveal a little bit of yourself.
I hate the way you always pick the right girls who are actually worth it.
I hate the way you dismiss me like I'm your personal booty call, and I hate the fact that I still come to you time after time you call.
I hate that I'm always there for you.

Tears

I hate that I cry for you, that I share your pain.
I hate the way I laugh at your words as if they meant the world.
I hate the way I cling onto fantasies of you and me.
I hate the way I want to look good in front of you.

Hurt

Is that what it means to stand by and be your best friend?
Because it hurts, and I don't think this is the way things should be.
But still I love you all the same.

Still

I love the way you smile at me.
I love the way you're only honest with me.
I love the way how you show that you care.
I love the way you're the light to my dark.
I love the way you free me from my chains, how you
I love the way you know when I'm lonely.
I love the way you notice.
I love the way you see me for me.

I love you. I want to be more in your eyes.
I wish you could see that.

Cemetery Sunday

Lost

I was walking through the graveyard today, seeing the stones that marked the places of those who have been loved, those who have been forgotten, and those who have finally been laid to rest after a long life.

I can't really describe the feeling I was getting while passing through. I wasn't sad, but I wasn't happy. I wasn't depressed or confused...

I was content.

Then I started remembering all those who have left my life, physically and spiritually. All those memories filled with love and laughter, the sorrow and tears --- I'm just so thankful that I was able to be with them for whatever short time we had together.

So as I walked down memory line, I had one thought and one thought only:

I hope they still think of me as much as I think of them.

You have been a stronger wind

The guiding of my right

The ever present confidant

A light in these dark eyes

I want you like no one else ever could

I want you like no one else ever could, do you?

Ice-cream...

I have four siblings. As the eldest of 5, there's a huge age gap of 13 years between me and the youngest, John. He's capricious and annoying, but kind and gentle. I'm pretty sure he'll be a favorite among the ladies.

We were walking home together while it was quite dark. He and I had left home to buy ice cream. He held my hand so tightly I thought something was wrong.
But he said with those big brown eyes, "You'll protect me. If I don't let go, I won't be scared."

My heart broke in two, which caused me to make a foolish, stupid, and irresponsible promise.

I promised I would never let go.

Here

I promise

If happiness were mine...
       I wouldn't share it, but keep it for myself.
             That way no one can know why they feel so alone.

If love was mine...
       I wouldn't give it, but lock it away.
             That way no one can feel the pain from heartbreak.

If laughter was mine...
       I wouldn't make any noise but keep silent.
             That way no one can understand why their cheeks are wet from water that flows from the eyes.

That's the kind of person I am.

Can you still love me? Accept me?

I can't.

So I try to be Happy in loneliness,

Love when I'm scared of denial,

and Laugh in the midst of tears.

That way, I'll appear normal 

So you'll be able to love me when I can't accept myself.

So please.

Love me to your fullest,

and I Promise I won't cry when

I Leave.

Lucky to Get Away

I pretended to be someone I wasn't, and let another fall in love with yours truly.
He was on an emotional roller coaster, and I needed to be a person who took care of others in fake sympathy.
Perfect match made in mutual agreement. Or so I thought.

I woke up from staying in bed all day and wearing nothing but sweats.
I got active, got past the mistakes, the hurt.
My heart mended.
I moved on.
Which meant cutting ties, being honest.


The fact that he couldn't made him angry, manipulative. He was too attached.
Clingy. Not the agreement.
"You used me," he screamed in my face. "Cold bitch!"
Bruises.

I'm lucky to have gotten away.

I got one thing out of him, though.
Thanks to him, I'll never date a bastard like him again.

Oh, no...

He changed girlfriends like he changed clothes.

I was always there to see them go.

He claimed that he had a 'wandering' heart.

I told him he was full of shit and didn't want to commit.

"When one door closes, another opens," he announced.

I gave him the hairy eyeball and asked if he just compared ladies to doors.

He laughed seductively.

I couldn't help myself.

I laughed with him.

Shit.

I'm in trouble.

I've fallen in love.