I have very mixed feelings about relationships. I can't keep any, but I constantly search for a someone that relates to me. I can't open myself up the way people want me to. I can't be one hundred percent honest about my feelings unless I really hate the person and want to cut that person down to itty bitty pieces.
People say I'm too honest. Brutally honest. Apparently, my honesty kills. I can't help it. I say how it is. I want to be vibrant and attractive and yet I want to be mysterious and sultry. I have mixed personalities. I have numerous personalities. I want to relate, but I only want stuff I really want to connect to relate. When I find a person to share anything with, I analyze everything. I jump to conclusions. I assume. I break. I tear.
Please understand. Relationships that are beautiful and full of life are so beautiful to behold that you're scared to touch them. I haven't learned how to do it properly.
People always ask me, "Why the heck do you hide so much? You're so easy to be honest and real to; you know my every secret and flaw! Why can't you show me your real self?"
Because I'm not stupid. Everyone knows things end. Besides, I've got nomadic syndrome. I get antsy after staying in one place for more than 3 or 4 years. The longest place I've ever stayed was in Hawaii for 6 years, and that's only because I had to. The span of time I allow for myself doesn't call for a deep and long-lasting affiliations.
I want to be so many things; I want to do so many things. I want to live and die and breathe and exhale. I want to see souls and hold hearts, I want to be spiritual and deeply rooted. And all without the ties and strings.
Is that too much to ask?
My father is a peculiar person. Not too friendly, and not too shy, he is the epitome of the working man. His rugged beard and East Asian culture never stopped him rebuking a stranger to defend his integrity. His accented English would always ring through my head as it was he who told me to dream big and to dream loud, for if something is impossible, it is all the more fun to achieve it.
Our relationship can only be described as the father-daughter love so keenly dissected apart on TV shows. He was my hero, flaws and all. I was his little girl no matter how old I was. I am -- no, I was -- cherished, respected, and above all, loved. And like all relationships, ours fell apart.
It was subtle and came with a bang. His words and actions that was spoken to me meant nothing because of his one action at that one time. It shattered everything I held dear.
Now, conversations are used with only the necessary words, and eye contact is non-existence. I haven't seen Father in 2 months.
He's coming for Christmas, and I'm really starting to hate the apprehension and fragility.
I was walking through the graveyard today, seeing the stones that marked the places of those who have been loved, those who have been forgotten, and those who have finally been laid to rest after a long life.
I can't really describe the feeling I was getting while passing through. I wasn't sad, but I wasn't happy. I wasn't depressed or confused...
I was content.
Then I started remembering all those who have left my life, physically and spiritually. All those memories filled with love and laughter, the sorrow and tears --- I'm just so thankful that I was able to be with them for whatever short time we had together.
So as I walked down memory line, I had one thought and one thought only: I hope they still think of me as much as I think of them.
If happiness were mine...
I wouldn't share it, but keep it for myself.
That way no one can know why they feel so alone.
If love was mine...
I wouldn't give it, but lock it away.
That way no one can feel the pain from heartbreak.
If laughter was mine...
I wouldn't make any noise but keep silent.
That way no one can understand why their cheeks are wet from water that flows from the eyes.
That's the kind of person I am.
Can you still love me? Accept me?
I can't.
So I try to be Happy in loneliness,
Love when I'm scared of denial,
and Laugh in the midst of tears.
That way, I'll appear normal
So you'll be able to love me when I can't accept myself.
