Showing posts with label hurt. Show all posts
Showing posts with label hurt. Show all posts

Enough for you

Sometimes, I wish I wasn't me.
But, I'll continue apologizing for being myself.
Even if I'm enough for me, when will I be enough for you?

Colin Self - Nude, 1970-71 - etching

Contradiction

"You shouldn't be doing this right now."

"You know you'll regret it later. Stop doing useless things and make better use of your time!"

"You know better than this. What is wrong with you?"

Voices of my conscience prick my brain apart.
I just have no motivation.
No desire.
I can claim nothing as my own, I can not let go of anything for nothing is mine.
I just blame everything and everyone and now, I have become indifferent to any emotion.

My greatest fear in life? Failure.

Yet... what am I doing? I can see myself in the foreseeable future wallowing away in the misery that I myself made.

Contradiction


2013

People tell me that a new year means a new chance at everything. It's a chance to clear out everything in your head, a chance to review past mistakes and to learn from them, a way to form clear consciences.

But, there is a deep foreboding. A new start means a new way to make a mistake.
Forget the past? Never. The consequence? Wariness. Fear.
And when I remember all the hurt I've been in, I wonder yet again if this year will do the same.
The fear that I will be swallowed by another ocean of disappointment and shame in myself is crushing me. I can barely breathe.
Fake hopes, spiteful defeats... they are like sparks will no doubt fade away into nothingness.

I just want to forget everything and never look back.
Is that not the true meaning of a new start? To try yet again, to build, to try to change?
I want to leave my soul and bleach the black into white.

Oh, 2013... Am I the only one with such a depressing view of the new year?





Christmas

This Christmas, I've never felt so lonely in my life.
So I painted a smile and pretended to be happy
Because no one wants to know if you're truly
fine or not.

{Photo: Shlomi Nissim - QualityPeoples via Tumblr}

20 - Voices in My Head


When Father asked me what I thought about him divorcing Mom, I wanted to smack him. I was sitting in the backseat of his car, so I couldn't reach his face. Wasn't he supposed to try and keep the family together? Betrayal at its finest, ladies and gentlemen.

But to be honest, I wanted him gone. It's true that hating someone is a lot easier when you can't see them. Yet, the kids needed their "Daddy," the guy who was a role model who was on one side fluffy like a teddy-bear and on the other, strong as a rock. So I said, No. No divorce. The kids need you. He smirked, as if he had already known my answer.
I proceeded to get out of the car and hightail home, trying my very best to forget his reply: That's what I thought, too. I couldn't have said it better myself.

To myself, I thought, You're such a self-sacrificing hypocrite. I couldn't have agreed more with the voice in my head.




Lies

 Morning 
My favorite pastime lately, a pastime that is almost always frowned upon, is to sit down on a bench or small wall, and watch people live their lives. But like the rebel I am, I foolishly chose to ignore and adamantly observe.

Some cry, some laugh, and others charge through like there is no tomorrow.
There are hippies selling overpriced organic products, hookers enticing all ages of all sexes, and business men and women talking and or texting on their smartphones.
These are the normal views.

Then I saw 2 teenagers, walking along. The boy had black hair that was dreadfully in need of a haircut, and the girl seemed pure. Yet strangely, they were both tainted by... something. Something was not right with those two.
They seemed like normal teens -- not yet adults, but not yet kids, either.
In other words, lost. Confused. And on top of all that, in pain.

Seen at a far distance, I saw them buying a baseball bat and baseball, and then moved to the park where the boy was teaching the girl how to play.
They laughed, as if they could never laugh tomorrow.
Then they left the park, where the boy had given his newly bought baseball bat and baseball to some elementary school kids.

Why did you give it to them? We could have come back and played with it again. said the girl.
Shrugging, the boy said, I thought they looked like they wanted it. 

Lies. 

He felt that he wouldn't be able to relax and fun like this again, a feeling that shouldn't be felt, a feeling that was prevented for years. He would be sorry if he gave the girl a memory that would never come true. 

He then held her hand, kissed it, kissed her lips, and said, We'll come again. Don't worry about it.

It probably would have been better if they never met in the first place.

 Sunset

Taken

He's taken. And I knew.

He had been taken for a while, but...
But nothing. Inevitable, really.

No confessions, but a surrender. A draw.

I cheer myself up.

He wasn't special anyway.
So what?
That chick of his is vapid and shallow.
She's so pretty.
He would have broken your heart.
I want to stop running.
He wears a mask.

So do I.