It is very difficult now.

It has been difficult to write, even more so when writing poetry. It seems that I have lost the will to pick up a pen and paper and write about anything.
I don't understand why.

Even now as I type this out in the draft format of the blog's post, I am constantly berating myself for doing something that I do not care about or want to do. Should I not do it because I do not want to do it? Or should I keep typing away at this trying to figure out my muddled mind?

I think that it is my mind that is standing in my way. My confusion with who I am is making me a bit lost. It had been going through my head lately, but it got worse as I passed my eighteenth birthday in October.

Why do I feel like my soul is screaming because it is trapped inside this jail of a body? I want to cry with big crocodile tears, but I cannot. I want to scream like a banshee, but I cannot. I want to laugh like I truly mean it, and smile without a trace of the mask I wear, but I cannot. Sometimes I take the mask off and I look at it with curiosity because I cannot seem to remember why I have it, or why I wear it.

Surely there must have been a reason. A good reason.

I have lived in my head for quite a long time. I have not ever made a genuine connection with anyone. I do not have many friends, and those who call me theirs makes me question their motives. But who am I to complain? It was me who made it that way.

But I feel like it is time. Time to be willing to be open up? I don't know.

I am so scared, you see. It isn't the "scare" where someone pops out at you with a "Boo!" and you giggle it off. No, it is the sweat-trickling, eyes-widening, shuddering, chilling, and horrifying fear. For who will accept my crocodile tears? Who will hear my screams? Who will want to laugh with me and who will see me, take off my mask and tell me I don't need it anymore?

Maybe it's better off to be alone.
Who cares, right?

We are here

They kept on saying that we are not here.
But as of late... we are here. 

New Year Resolutions

I wanted to laugh when people started gushing about how they will change so much in 2013. Yeah, right. That won't ever happen. 
Because everyone knows that change doesn't just come because you want it. Either you were forced to change or went through something so life-changing that change was inevitable.
The stuff we mention now are superficial ones, shallow and optional.

So... I made wishes this year. I mean:
"There's no point having wishes if you don't at least try them."
- Sally Nicholls

Wishes

It's different than resolutions because wishes have no expectations and resolutions are excuses to start over because of all the regrets in the past year. I learned this from Avy's blog in her post Mirrors and Smoke.

1. I wish I could stop doubting the words people say to me. I want so much to be able to trust and be open.
2. I wish I could have a real relationship.
3. I wish I could find my real self.
4. I wish I could stop lying.
5. I wish I could forget.

Shh... Don't tell anyone...

Forget

2013

People tell me that a new year means a new chance at everything. It's a chance to clear out everything in your head, a chance to review past mistakes and to learn from them, a way to form clear consciences.

But, there is a deep foreboding. A new start means a new way to make a mistake.
Forget the past? Never. The consequence? Wariness. Fear.
And when I remember all the hurt I've been in, I wonder yet again if this year will do the same.
The fear that I will be swallowed by another ocean of disappointment and shame in myself is crushing me. I can barely breathe.
Fake hopes, spiteful defeats... they are like sparks will no doubt fade away into nothingness.

I just want to forget everything and never look back.
Is that not the true meaning of a new start? To try yet again, to build, to try to change?
I want to leave my soul and bleach the black into white.

Oh, 2013... Am I the only one with such a depressing view of the new year?

Sparks

Warrior Princess

Little girls were watching 'Mulan,' the only Disney Princess who actually isn't a just Princess but a Warrior Princess.
I realized that I want to be Mulan.
Not Ariel, Belle, Cinderella, Snow White...

I want to be Mulan because she can grapple with her insecurities and expectations of her family and life and do the right thing by following her heart. She deals with the consequences of her actions, and never looks back. And she doesn't wait for some cocky boy to save the day; she saves the day.

Disney did something right.

I hope the little girls can see that.

And I hope that I can follow my heart and make the right choice for me.